Christmas At Home

I woke up to the aroma of frying meat
Stepped in the kitchen, a pretty sight to see
Took a piece of chicken, my face with a smile so sweet
Then devoured it with the tenacity of fighters in Daenerys’ fighting pits
This is what I like to see, dining tables with shining faces
This is home, this is hope, I’m finally able to embrace it
Lil cousin baking that cake, mixing that pastry
Told her when I’m rich, I’ll take her to a thousand places
This is pure happiness, this is honey in a comb
Text messages, phone calls, you can feel the gushing in the tone
Love, doves singing, the Sun blushing with a glow
It’s a classic happy TV show when I spend Christmas at home

herovickers

For Eniola, lil cuz whose eyes fill mine with hope whenever I look upon them.

Happy holidays!
Spending Christmas at home this year was amazing and overwhelming! I guess it’s because I missed last year’s. It was so overwhelming that I had to write this piece above.
So thanks for reading.
Merry Christmas.

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The Notion

Hello, happy holidays!

Prior to going back home for a break and getting this sudden wave of ideology (probably due to all the good food that I’ve missed for a while), I’ve always been a firm believer of the concept known as “Positive Pessimism” (I think I coined the concept, wait for my book! LOL Just Kidding…Not!) which is a way of using your vulnerability, insecurities, dark side etc. ( or whatever usually make you feel down or makes you less motivated) to be better , be more motivated and make progress. Its influence can be found in some of my writings, such as “Monster’s Grief 3”

“But my fear of failure spark ideas in an instance”

– and some others.

Positive Pessimism is actually a very real (practical) concept as it does not require you having to get rid of (or pretend to get rid of) the sad, dark, depressed part of yourself. Usually, getting rid of depression is one of the common methods people get motivated to be better than their current situation, but more often than not, it’s all make-believe.

A certain speaker says a bunch of catchy phrases, quotes some book, or a certain man and tell you to believe in yourself, and say it with conviction, SAY IT WITH CONVICTION! You’re in high spirits, you believe it, you’re ready, YOU’RE READY!… until you go home and you meet your old self waiting for you looking at you with that sadistic smile. And what’s next? You have to go back to listen to that speaker so you can always be in that mood again, and you have to repeat that cycle so as always be motivated.

Bottom-line is PP is a longer lasting solution as you’re the one doing the motivation by yourself, for yourself, to yourself.

*sigh* I did not really set out to talk about PP today. But I guess I did anyway.

I think the reason I have the idea in my head is that ever since I could remember I’ve always been a perfectionist (not the fake perfectionist people claim to be) together with the never ending perfect goals, the depression of never being perfect (no matter how close, or no matter how people say how good you are) and the emptiness that comes along with it.

The perfectionist that I am knows that achieving these really high standards is implausible (Thanks, Sheldon!) and it saddens me, and that’s understandable. But most times, this feeling gets transferred to even the small, and very achievable goals and so people see us as pessimists who do not believe anything would ever work. Well, it’s all good.

After this realization, I’ve come to terms to accept, in 2016, a concept I’ve never been able to grasp ever since: HOPE.

So, yeah, for me, 2016 is the year of HOPE, and I hope it is the same for you.

Thanks for reading.

Herovickers.

 

 

Him And Her

HIM

What is love if you’re not here with me?

Look at everything that you left me with

Experiences endless, it’s even in the air we breathe

The tear stains on this letter are tearing me –

-apart, my heart throbs with pain without you

Tried so hard to move on but I don’t know how to

If I knew that before, I could have laid some ground rules

Like “never love, ‘cause to fail it’s bound to”

I can’t live without you, I can’t live with you

 I thought I was tough enough but my heart really feeble

Tried to mask my emotions but they’re really see-through

Relationship status complicated but this is really simple:

You’re gone.

 

HER

You keep saying it was me who left you

But it was you who pushed me away I tell you

You never even imagined the pain I went through

When I said “bye”, my heart bled through

I miss you but coming back is something I can’t do

How can I say this and not offend you

I’m tired of your drama, so Mr. Playwright, I’ll pass, thank you.

 

herovickers

 

Hi vreader, it’s nice to see you again. How’s the harmattan feeling like? I’d make some harmattan jokes but that’d be really dry right? J

So like I said in my last post, I’m stepping out of the usual character I write as. This is from the perspective of two former lovers (something, I trust you can relate to).

There is always the one lover finding it hard to let go after a breakup. Most times, we think only of how we feel regardless of how our actions affect the other party.

This piece is inspired by the song “What Is Love” by Empire Cast (feat. V. Bozeman), as is evident in my use of a few lines from it. It was the first song on the show “Empire”, it captivated me in the pilot.

Errm , I need to figure out a way to end blog posts. J

So, thanks for vreading. Share, comment and tweet at me @herovickers. See you later?

herovickers

 

 

 

Empty (Part 2) – Dead Inside

I miss the darkness

Thought this would never happen like a gambler’s last bet

When life tested me and I never passed then

The gloom and sadness, all the times I masked them

When plans fell apart and I would complain

When I almost reached the goal but drawn back by these taut chains

When my heart was crushed by fate’s long train

And the pieces that remain are like small grains

Now I’m numb to the pain and I feel empty inside

Broken down so many times, no more tears in my eyes

I’ve snapped completely and I can’t be revived

No longer believe in “mysterious ways” and “blessings in disguise”

So don’t tell me it’ll be fine, because I’m dead inside

The walking dead, it’s a no-brainer, I have an empty mind

I’m dead inside.

 

 

Hi vreader. It’s been a minute since I made a post on here. So I’m posting this piece as a way to get back right on track (as soon I can spare time to write ‘cause I got a lot of stuff to write).

Anyway, I wrote this piece on a 3-hour long journey. I decided to step out of the depressed guy character this time…into a character more damaged- a numb soul, a soulless person. Yeah people like this exist. It can stem from frustration based on so much depression from life experiences that’d shape the character from being someone who didn’t believe it could get better to someone who doesn’t believe it could get worse…to someone who doesn’t believe in anything.

This is someone who has been broken.

PS: If you haven’t read “Empty” part one, click here

And I’m gonna write more stuff from a new direction this December.

It’s gonna be legen- wait for it – dary!

 

Monster’s Grief 5 ( A Ghost’s Story)

I close my eyes and then I pull

It’s a fucking miracle, how long I’d kept my cool

I smile as best as could, trying not to reflect my mood

So people never knew that inside I was dead and blue

What regrets can do, is stronger than acidic chemicals

I sunk deeper every time I climbed on stepping stools

The ground cracked beneath my feet as the weight of my depression grew

All the tension took me to a point, I heard a voice saying “Man, you’re screwed”

I was so down that even with wings, I never flew

Kept my mood in check as these tears ensued

Bottled up so many feelings that I never should

Till my mind exploded, ’cause it was more than I could bear, I’m doomed!

I fear I’m losing it, hands shaking groping for the gun

It’s loaded, my mind’s saying, ” this has to be done…”

“Man, I’m through! “, aimed it at my head with my finger on the trigger

I closed my eyes and then I pulled…

 

 

herovickers

Venus in flesh (For Tracy)

 

As I shield my eyes from the blinding lights brighter than the sun
I caught a glimpse of this illuminating being beyond the horizon
I was so stunned that all the world came to a stop
The earth stopped revolving, crickets stopped chirping , waterfalls did not release a drop
I stood transfixed as a perfect being walked across from me
With a presence so electrifying that I got a shock from it
Her lips glistened like neon lights as it dripped of honey
Her smile cuts deep like Valyrian steel and can make the hardest heart sorry
Her eyes shone like the stars and I got lost in them
Other beings are before me but I do not see them
My sense took leave of me, now I’m beyond reason
Beyond saving, I’ve fallen and my brain’s gone missing
A million metaphors are not enough to describe this lady
Or how she makes the butterflies in my belly go crazy
Be not perplexed as to why I had to script up this verse
‘Cause I see Venus in flesh, whenever I see Tracy
herovickers
For Tracy #crush ❤

For Gift

 

It pains me that the day before, I saw you
And didn’t talk, just walked by, plain ignored you
I wish I had another chance to say goodbye
And turn back the hands of time, nothing that I do can
Hope these syllables can help express my mind
I cried that night but the next I smiled
’cause I know why Heaven wants you : You’re an angel
And there’s greater love at the bosom of He who made you.
For Gift.

The Fear of Broke

swallowed by the shark

I’ve been here before, I recognise the door

Last time around, I almost drowned, I’m sure 

The handle turned, then I stepped out to shore

Before long, mighty waves came along to push me down the sea floor

Drowning, life’s pulling out of me, it’s how I feel when this hunger bites at me

Like the sky’s where my desire is, but down the bottomless pit I’m spiralling 

I can’t see hope, my neck’s tied with ropes to the ruins of the Titanic 

I’m running straight into a brick wall, trying to stop but the wall’s running back at me 

I fear I’ll hit the wall, break my spine and all of my bones will shatter

Or reach the bottom of the sea, where the Great White Sharks are 

I’m panicking like it’s my last meal and I’m on death row about to meet the ropes 

That’s how I felt as I saw the bank alert : “I’m scared of being broke! “

Hi, vreader.

I never planned on posting anything this week but this just came to me after I was about to fall of the edge into another pit of depression. I just had to grab my pen and write this impulsively .

I feel better now. 🙂

This Right Here’s Not A Preview (Pre Monster’s Grief 5)

This right here is not a preview of MG5 but vread still,

At times I ask myself why should there be an MG5
Fuck it no one is reading maybe I should let it die
Then I realize a lot of these emcees lie
And I’m The Truth like that guy from “Let It Shine”
So it’s beddy bye, I’ll get it right this time to prove I’m next in line
Showing what’s behind the soundproof is what I’m doing every night
I hear these guys say my blog is tight and I’m like “well,it’s aiit ”
But when they say my words touches is when it gets scary right
Rhyming is power, soldiers cower when I grab my pen to write
Military forces get assaulted with such a deadly might
But how you wield this weapon is dependent on your strength of mind
So your lines may not be able to hurt a fly while mine will shoot you dead on sight
But I don’t write to impress you guys, I write ’cause I’m depressed inside
This feeling is intensified and it leaves me incensed at night
And that is why I have to write or else I’ll crash this deadly mind
You don’t know the pain I feel everyday when I sit to pen these rhymes
So don’t think I’m very nice, and you plagiarize ’cause then you’ll die
For once I catch you dead to rights, you can’t evade like Wesley Snipes
Scream hell and cry, no help in sight,tears won’t change the facts like Messi’s height
Look left and right, I’m the best in sight, now get ready for MG5!

Before I Turn 20

Three days ago, the idea of turning 20 wasn’t scary to me at all, I had looked forward to June 11 with so much enthusiasm.
That was until yesterday when I was listening to “Teenage Love” by Slick Rick. It was then I realised that I couldn’t relate to the situation he described in the song as I have never experienced that “teenage love”. And I would soon have to drop the much-cherished tag “teenager”.
Then, it occurred to me that it was not just the pre-twenty romance that I’m not going to be able to have to said I have experienced in two months time.
So I made a list of things I wish I had done with my teen-age but didn’t.

First, I wish I had let myself grow. I wanted to be that big guy really fast which had me trying to experience stuff that were supposed to be till later. An example is me force-growing this beard (yes ,Dami I did force it and no, it wasn’t spirit).

I also should have picked up an interest in a sport. But I didn’t. So when people talk footballese to me , I just give a blank stare with cold dead eyes. But ”I’m fine long as there’s batteries in my Walkman”. I’m starting to develop an interest in battle rap,so…

I should have given romance a try. But I’m one of those unromantic people who think those love stories on TV and in books are all trash and unrealistic. Never wrote a love letter or passed notes in sec school. Im saying im more “treat-her-like-prostitute” than “teenage-love” (Slick Rick reference, kids). Not that Im emotionless (Ive been called that, though), just that I find caring for somebody else other than myself impossible (call me selfish, I wear the badge proudly).

Another thing is that ever since I discovered hip hop, I always liked the tag “19 year old rapper”. I think I was 17 when I said I was going to put out a rap project at 19 and I would be tagged “Vickers, the 19 year old rapper” but Im almost a score and still hasn’t scored that project . On the bright side , Illmatic was releases when Nas was 20, so…

And there are a bunch of stuff I like about my teen-age .

Number one on that list is the fact that I discovered hip hop. I’m not talking watching music on the music channel. I was 17 when I started to thirst for that music. I was 18 when I decided to go back to the very beginning ,talking music of 80’s,90’s . And Im glad I did.

I like the fact that I’ve always been introspective. Being introverted gives me time to think and analyse things from different perspectives . So Im a great thinker but not a talker.
It has its down side though, I cant communicate emotions which is why I’m called emotionless by some. Its all good.

And the fact that I have this pragmatic approach to life . My friends call it pessimism , well …rose by any other name would still smell the same. Im not saying I don’t have hope or an optimistic outlook to life but one has to realize the world’s a jungle and be prepared for the worst, cause even then when it happens, it’d have lost element of surprise and one’d be in a better position to deal with it. ( I’ll write a post on that later).

I don’t know which of the list to put this
. Im a chorophobe. Not just somebody who cant dance but somebody who is scared of it. I think the whole concept is stupid. I guess I should have not become a chorophobe and enjoyed my teen-age but its almost over now. _

So as I end this post, I’m going to go out and enjoy the remaining two months as a teenager.
Thanks for reading.