The Fear of Broke

swallowed by the shark

I’ve been here before, I recognise the door

Last time around, I almost drowned, I’m sure 

The handle turned, then I stepped out to shore

Before long, mighty waves came along to push me down the sea floor

Drowning, life’s pulling out of me, it’s how I feel when this hunger bites at me

Like the sky’s where my desire is, but down the bottomless pit I’m spiralling 

I can’t see hope, my neck’s tied with ropes to the ruins of the Titanic 

I’m running straight into a brick wall, trying to stop but the wall’s running back at me 

I fear I’ll hit the wall, break my spine and all of my bones will shatter

Or reach the bottom of the sea, where the Great White Sharks are 

I’m panicking like it’s my last meal and I’m on death row about to meet the ropes 

That’s how I felt as I saw the bank alert : “I’m scared of being broke! “

Hi, vreader.

I never planned on posting anything this week but this just came to me after I was about to fall of the edge into another pit of depression. I just had to grab my pen and write this impulsively .

I feel better now. 🙂


This Right Here’s Not A Preview (Pre Monster’s Grief 5)

At times I ask myself why should there be an MG5
Fuck it no one is reading maybe I should let it die

This right here is not a preview of MG5 but vread still,

At times I ask myself why should there be an MG5
Fuck it no one is reading maybe I should let it die
Then I realize a lot of these emcees lie
And I’m The Truth like that guy from “Let It Shine”
So it’s beddy bye, I’ll get it right this time to prove I’m next in line
Showing what’s behind the soundproof is what I’m doing every night
I hear these guys say my blog is tight and I’m like “well,it’s aiit ”
But when they say my words touches is when it gets scary right
Rhyming is power, soldiers cower when I grab my pen to write
Military forces get assaulted with such a deadly might
But how you wield this weapon is dependent on your strength of mind
So your lines may not be able to hurt a fly while mine will shoot you dead on sight
But I don’t write to impress you guys, I write ’cause I’m depressed inside
This feeling is intensified and it leaves me incensed at night
And that is why I have to write or else I’ll crash this deadly mind
You don’t know the pain I feel everyday when I sit to pen these rhymes
So don’t think I’m very nice, and you plagiarize ’cause then you’ll die
For once I catch you dead to rights, you can’t evade like Wesley Snipes
Scream hell and cry, no help in sight,tears won’t change the facts like Messi’s height
Look left and right, I’m the best in sight, now get ready for MG5!

Before I Turn 20

Three days ago, the idea of turning 20 wasn’t scary to me at all, I had looked forward to June 11 with so much enthusiasm.
That was until yesterday when I was listening to “Teenage Love” by Slick Rick. It was then I realised that I couldn’t relate to the situation he described in the song as I have never experienced that “teenage love”. And I would soon have to drop the much-cherished tag “teenager”.
Then, it occurred to me that it was not just the pre-twenty romance that I’m not going to be able to have to said I have experienced in two months time.
So I made a list of things I wish I had done with my teen-age but didn’t.

First, I wish I had let myself grow. I wanted to be that big guy really fast which had me trying to experience stuff that were supposed to be till later. An example is me force-growing this beard (yes ,Dami I did force it and no, it wasn’t spirit).

I also should have picked up an interest in a sport. But I didn’t. So when people talk footballese to me , I just give a blank stare with cold dead eyes. But ”I’m fine long as there’s batteries in my Walkman”. I’m starting to develop an interest in battle rap,so…

I should have given romance a try. But I’m one of those unromantic people who think those love stories on TV and in books are all trash and unrealistic. Never wrote a love letter or passed notes in sec school. Im saying im more “treat-her-like-prostitute” than “teenage-love” (Slick Rick reference, kids). Not that Im emotionless (Ive been called that, though), just that I find caring for somebody else other than myself impossible (call me selfish, I wear the badge proudly).

Another thing is that ever since I discovered hip hop, I always liked the tag “19 year old rapper”. I think I was 17 when I said I was going to put out a rap project at 19 and I would be tagged “Vickers, the 19 year old rapper” but Im almost a score and still hasn’t scored that project . On the bright side , Illmatic was releases when Nas was 20, so…

And there are a bunch of stuff I like about my teen-age .

Number one on that list is the fact that I discovered hip hop. I’m not talking watching music on the music channel. I was 17 when I started to thirst for that music. I was 18 when I decided to go back to the very beginning ,talking music of 80’s,90’s . And Im glad I did.

I like the fact that I’ve always been introspective. Being introverted gives me time to think and analyse things from different perspectives . So Im a great thinker but not a talker.
It has its down side though, I cant communicate emotions which is why I’m called emotionless by some. Its all good.

And the fact that I have this pragmatic approach to life . My friends call it pessimism , well …rose by any other name would still smell the same. Im not saying I don’t have hope or an optimistic outlook to life but one has to realize the world’s a jungle and be prepared for the worst, cause even then when it happens, it’d have lost element of surprise and one’d be in a better position to deal with it. ( I’ll write a post on that later).

I don’t know which of the list to put this
. Im a chorophobe. Not just somebody who cant dance but somebody who is scared of it. I think the whole concept is stupid. I guess I should have not become a chorophobe and enjoyed my teen-age but its almost over now. _

So as I end this post, I’m going to go out and enjoy the remaining two months as a teenager.
Thanks for reading.

Monster’s Grief 4 ( Beauty and the beast)

Hi vreader, here is MG4

I lick my claws, I scratch the wall
Nervous, I’ve never felt like this before
Helpless, cannot talk , my mind’s saying “this is wrong”
This feeling is sweet but a part of me wish it’s gone
I look in the mirror, my reflection I do not recognize
How am I transformed? I was a permanent Mr Hyde
Pity I’m feeling like I lost control of my beasty side
There’s an angel right in front of me, she must be the reason why
Her beauty’s beyond comprehension of the human mind
When I look into her eyes, it feels like I’m in Paradise
Her light shines in my darkness like the moon in a starless night
My own Helen of Troy, her face can make a thousand armies rise
Around her, I do try to speak but words fail me
Her arresting presence detains me with no one to bail me
Kryptonite, she traps my soul with no means of escaping
Hypnotized, she has control, I do whatever she makes me
This is Beauty and the beast, Shrek and Fiona
I was the lonely Omega, now that life is over
The shackles all dropped, I’m free as Noah’s dove
This is what happens when a monster falls in love


“Monster’s Grief 4”, Valentine special.
Thanks to Olu for his contribution. And Stephanie for giving me the inspiration.

Gully boo


People watching and listening with rapt attention
Sunday, time for another fix, the Word’s an addiction
Case is a christian meeting and the pastor’s preaching
Speaking to their subconscious like a hypnotist’s lips
Pushing the right buttons plus the right delivery
“Drop your money, drop your cash” the entire mission
This is inspired speaking, really ’cause I am still pissed
Why so much emphasis on cash, can’t find a reason
They just mindless listen,thinking their minds is lifted
In the right direction but they blinded by his vision

“Monster’s Grief 4” comes on/before Valentine.

Monster’s Grief 3

Vread this,

Third time’s a charm, I should be back and better
This is Monster’s Grief 3, but I’m still sad and bitter
I spend my time slaving tryna master this art
Tryna move forward but I’m still at an impasse
Maybe I shouldn’t be so pissed at myself, I still had some victory
‘Cause six months ago, I had neither flow nor delivery
Now, I’m a monster in the former, rhythm? Nobody beating me
But truthfully, delivery’s still eluding me
Plus when I hear the boos it seems, I’m not cut out for this music biz
That’s when I scream look at me, I’m not the wackass I used to be
I’m losing sleep every night tryna push this dream
So tryna bring down my mood will be an effort in futility
Keep on tryna make you believe and I’ll never refuse to speak
So if you getting the hots for my projects, the blog is meant to cool the heat
Some call me an attention seeker with wack lyrics and idle
My first project, that’ll probably be the title
I believe in my crew, hope they believe in me back
To impress you, one minute and I’m through like a one-minute man
At times, I get stuck in some stupid plans
But my fear of failure spark ideas in an instance
My mind is Pakistan , the way ideas explode
Determined as an artisan, tryna get his dough
Upping this delivery to push the envelope
Never let it go, so long as I can learn and grow
Neglected Omega tryna gain the pack’s respect
He’s practised, he’s set , challenge the alpha to a fight to death
But he minds his steps so careful that he can
Climb Everest and after that Eiffel’s next
Where he finds himself, he’s the ugly duckling
But where time is set, he’ll be the tallest ostrich
Plucking off the heads of those causing conflicts
War is coming ’cause of what he must be
I do this ’cause I love it, not just for the profits
Remain undaunted even if the world saw me falling
I’ll start with baby steps like I just stopped crawling
And jet across with a stronger force than ionic bonding
I’m vain, so I’ll never say “Fuck the money!”
Except I’m drunk or something , or I must be hungry
But to dumb it for a club hit , not me
I’ll rather pull my pen like a grenade pin and cause destruction!

MG3, people! Pick what you can from that.

The girl from Asa’s “How Did Love Find You”

Vread this,

The Dreamer Girl said Be My Man
Satan Be Gone replied the Preacher Man
Dead Again tears sprouted from her eyes like a fountain
Even those in the Subway saw the Fire On The Mountain
Her name was Bimpe and she was So Beautiful
Another rejection had sliced her heart into two
The Situation was so tough, she found it hard Moving On
Only time she did, Bamidele , Broda Ole tried to use and run
So she locked her heart away, 360 degrees guarded by a Jailer
But still couldn’t find Peace like Eye Adaba, I don’t blame her
Suddenly , her world lit up
Like the eyes of a Baby Gone in her favourite candy store
Wounded but she met a guy who made her heal
Why Can’t We be together ? That’s just The Way I Feel
She replied , ” OK OK , um Maybe
“Tell me why ’cause No One Knows what you see in me”
Where the world saw flaws, he saw Beautiful Imperfections
He replied with a smile as he answered her Questions
She had a complex ’cause Society was hateful
He taught her to focus on the good and be Grateful
He was her pillow in this life, a Bed Of Stone
Scared to put him on a pedestal ’cause of experiences years ago
Cupid’s arrow had missed her heart,she was fighting for survival
This is the girl from Asa’s How Did Love Find You

One of favourite songs from Asa’s “Bed Of Stone” album is the song “How Did Love Find You” . Every time I listen to it, I try to imagine the story behind the character, what she(the character) must have experienced before thinking she’d never get love and being surprised and scared love found her.
So I made up my story and what better way than to use song titles from Asa’s albums .
Badass, right?

PS: I’ll post MG3 in a few days.



Vread this,

Empty, I feel empty

Attempting to think but the silence is deafening

Left here wondering why my soul left me

It’s best since it was leading me to the damned pit

It’s like I’m in a solitary prison with life sentence

Sitting all day questioning the reason for my existence

Drowning in sorrow while still tryna get my feet wet

Tryin’ to be tight but I’m slacking like cheap T-shirts

Been helpless since I found out that

My soul escaped the one time I poured out my heart

In the quest for the right person, I followed the wrong crowd about

Time had run out, before I could figure what I’m about

I feel empty. That’s all I got. 😦

PS: Monster’s Grief 3 is almost done. Vivid shit!

Monster’s Grief 2

Vread the part 2 of monster’s grief

Stuck in the abyss again
So deep, getting high couldn’t ease the pain
This fall is fatal, can’t even face the
Image of myself in the mirror, shameful!
Was so grateful , that I had control
Then I realised that I was my foe
I lost my focus, couldn’t face facts
Repeated same acts, that knocked me comatose
Now, I’m on my toes, screaming and gasping for air
Expecting the ladder to appear ’cause I have been there
A thousand times already, ready to start the journey again
Again, I had everything to lose and nothing to gain
“This is the last time” , I said that the last time
And before that , I’m beyond sad on how I spend my pastime
Tears dropping like rain, ’cause of fear, anguish and pain
Like a titanic passenger panicking before She capsized
This is my last fight, facing myself
Like Scott Pilgrim, it all seems grim
My reflection stares back at me, it’s horrific
There’s a hanging rope above and we can’t reach it
Without falling in, there goes the last piece of hope
This needs to be fixed, where is Olivia Pope
Only way for us to cope is for us both to stay put
Cause winners only exist in folklores and fables
THIS IS REAL LIFE, full of shock and pain
Where the battle with yourself is a constant K
Till your hair turns grey, let the heavens shake
From the power in your will, to let hell loose…Hey!

This one is a lot different from the first one as it appears impersonal, ambiguous and I didn’t name-drop any of my friends. It was meant to be like that.
I was trying to fight an addiction and countless times, I decided I needed to control my desire and stop that instant. And countless times, I fell and had to start the climb again.
At times, after convincing myself to stop , I’d say “one more, then no more”. How many times I did that? I’ve lost count. Some other times, I count streaks, then I get too excited about making progress and cut myself some slack. Then its back to ground zero, back to square one.
Sad, isn’t it?
The problem was that I had believed that once I made the decision , the addiction would go away that instant , like there was a genie somewhere granting wishes of people trying to end their addiction . So, I’d let my guard down believing it was easy.
It isn’t easy.
Once you’re hooked, really hooked on something , it becomes a lifetime of detaching yourself from it.
The moment you realise that is when you start the climb to rise above your downfall. That’s when you start laying the bricks to build your Rome.
So you don’t relax, you keep working constantly at it. Gradually, you start to gain control till you reach a point where you feel you’ve escaped your prison of addiction fully. Even then, you have to realise it’s a continuous battle, so you don’t fall again.

That’s a lot of words explaining a not-such-wordy rap verse. Such much can be said in so little rhymes, don’t you agree?

monster’s grief


Hey, I’m Vickers and I’m depressed
I went from bragging that I’m the best
To producers being never impressed
With my raps,I’m looked upon as a pest
It’s really sad ’cause , I give it my all
Is it my fault, I don’t have Pryme’s voice
Or IcePrince’s swag or rap like Skales
Rap’s a maze,I’m tryna find my pace
Always getting complaints like the customer care
I shouldn’t be pissed,it shows the customer cares
Some of my peers say I can’t summon ideas
Well, the truth is only told by someone that cares
I respect critics, is why I listen to Kris
I expect friends to speak, if they aint feeling my shit
But my best friends are yes men, yes man I’m pissed
Not at them, just pissed at me
I thought rap would give me great fame and fortune
But all I ever got was straight face and fuck you
So in this light, I tried to quit twice
Sifon showed the insight, I gotta ignite
Now I’m a monster like Beats by Dre it feels right
Long as I can still write, aint quiting this fight
“Focus on the mic, get your shit right
And the ladies will be psyched whenver you’re in sight”
They used to say that my flow’s dead
And that I rapped like I’m tone deaf
Hope you are ready fo’ the TV and the radio
If you don’t wannt hear me yo, GO DEAF!

Months ago I had a frustrating experience. I couldn’t move on till I wrote this. I just let the insecurity, anger , self doubt and disappointment out. And it made me realise that, once you begin to admit your weaknesses, right then you can start to see your strength ( as evident in the final part ).
The best friends part is annoying (there’s another monster’s grief about that). You expect them to be honest but no, they don’t want to hurt you. That’s stupid.
Which is why I respect critics ( especially the ones who seek to attack you ). :p

Real stuff right there.